And so it begins…

Yesterday was the day I listen to my heart space, reflect on the last year and look forward to the next. The first question I had to ask and answer is, “Where am I regarding relationships?” The answer was quick and simple. I’m not there yet, mainly because the effort and time it takes to build a new relationship isn’t something I want/have to give right now. I’m not closed off to possibilities, just not actively looking.

“How is the healing process going?”  – There are pieces of me that aren’t completely healed from the last year, but I am much better than I was a few months ago. Unfortunately, a new hurt has been added, but I believe in myself and I have a wonderful support system that will help see me through.

“D/s – Kink, when will the activity begin?” – Considering how things were this time last year, it’s a little bit of a struggle. I want..I desire.. to please and be pleased. If the opportunity presents itself, I will follow my heart and see what happens. I’m not opposed, those are just mighty large shoes to fill. It will take a special connection to reach that next level.

“What’s next?” – Fuck if I know. A year and a day worked well for many years. Now, I think is the time to adjust the timeline. For now, I have 4 things I want to accomplish in the next six months. That’s the goal.

As for the rest, I’m going to continue living my life, smiling, dancing and loving my tribe. XoXo

 

60 days

As the end of my commitment to me draws near, I’ve felt the pressure of making decisions coming my way. The weight and stress became overwhelming at times.

Then I realized that I don’t have to decide anything. Yes, I have goals that I want to achieve before then, but it was the decision about relationships that is the most stressful.
The last 60 days have already shown me that many things in life can change. I change. Why am I trying to decide now what I’m going to do then?

As soon as I gave myself permission to let go of expectations that I needed to prepare for my decision, the easier I could breathe.

It made me realize that while I try not to have expectations from others, I was holding myself by a chain. This is something I need to work on, for myself, in the year of me.

Female Heartache

Throughout my life, there has been female attraction. The majority of that was women that I had known and loved for many years. They were my best friends, during different milestones of my chaotic world and wonderful things happened, but I rarely reciprocated. Usually, I was the toy and I loved that. 

This year, I found two. Didn’t see that coming during this poly adventure.

The Feels…

One is so young and I admire her very much. She knows exactly what she wants to do in life and is giddy about it! Adorable, smart, sexy, smiley and mischievous hotness. Our first impromptu night, we went to First St. rapids, skinny dipped and had a fabulous make out session under a full moon. It was… Yeah. Awesome. Many dates and flirting later, we danced and tossed each other against the walls while dancing, landed in bed and wrestled.  

One is my Poly Dom’s wife, although I see her as her own entity as well. I love watching her dance around the house. I’m so envious of the energy she has and I miss how I used to jump. Yes, we do struggle at times, but when we both let our walls down… It’s beautiful. The energy is amazing between us when we let it be.  It’s a different attraction. Sensual. Respectful. 

The not so great feels…

One, I knew was leaving within a few months of us meeting. She needs a different college for her classes and also needs to wander away from her home town. After the night we shared, things cratered and I didn’t hear from her much, but we’d hang out on occasion. I wasn’t invited to her going away party and that hurts. Especially when I heard about it through someone else. 

One knows all and the healing process has begun and will continue. We’re both sensitive now, but we’ll work through it because we are friends and that’s what we do. 

Shedding

I have never had more than a few friends at a time, throughout my life. I’m mostly happy about that because I’m selective. There are even fewer that knew me when I was a teen and I held them very close. 

I’ve recently decided that there are things I need to stop carrying around with me, yet I’m not quite ready to never see that skin again. So, like the shrimp in my fabulous work aquarium, I’m keeping them close, but no longer carrying. 

   
 
These are from my best friend, through 15-infinity. Whether we’re talking or not. I’ve kept them since I was 17ish. The last one is my absolute favorite and I’ve never found another card like it. 

So if you’re missing an old friend, know that they cherish you too. 

I love you, Amers. Always & Forever. 

Becoming a Plate

I should have known there were other motives than the what I saw on the surface for this date….

I’m certain most of you have heard of the live sushi plates and while I have seen it on T.V., I had never BEEN the plate.

As I laid there naked, every limb was placed just the way he wanted it. One leg bent, to hold the ginger on my knee, while my other leg and arms were placed just so to hold the other morsels of sushi for us to enjoy. Wasabi… right in the belly button*. Oh yeah, that felt incredibly strange… and I loved it.

When everything was placed and instructions were given about not dropping our dinner, the questions began. This is the part that I didn’t see coming. What is the best way to keep someone in place so they can’t run from questions about past emotional traumas?  Make them become a plate.

There were times when I felt the urge to just sit up and be done, I won’t lie. Talking about that shit isn’t easy, but I’ve learned during this year that he always has a purpose for asking and I can’t always see what the answer is. We paused at times so I could breathe and regroup, we ate, and there was the occasional giggle over how it feels to have morsels dipped into my belly button for a touch of Wasabi.

By the end, we learned more about each other. My Poly Dom will rarely ask me things and not share his own experiences. While it made me sad to learn we have more in common than I would have wished, I also know that it makes those wonderful hugs more precious. I didn’t spill our dinner, only a few tears.

 

*For those that care to know, the Wasabi didn’t burn, just tingled a little. Although it was only there for 45min or so, my belly button was still bright red the next day. 🙂

Thanksgiving

I thought this year would be hard on me, but while I was not wrong, it’s hardest on my daughter. 

Over time, I became used to figuring out what we were going to do. When she was younger, we went to my Aunts’ home with my mom and her family. We had some of her younger years alone and came up with our own traditions. Then I was in a LTR relationship and we went to his mom’s home and had fresh crab with tons of heavy foods and love and laughter. The first year we didn’t have that, we landed at an unknown place with a guy that I had just started dating. That ended up being the best Thanksgiving we had ever had. A bunch of Misfits joining together and having a great time. 

Since then, we’ve had this holiday as a family, at various other homes with friends. This year, my child is working Thanksgiving and I’m single. While I’m nostalgic a both the past holidays, I’m doing ok. My girl isn’t. She may be 18, but she’s a young child in many ways. Anxiety, sadness and feelings of abandonment are setting in. Tonight was pretty damn rough. 

Then she invited her guy friend over (which I hadn’t met yet), I pulled out Cards Against Humanity and then she smiled.

 I love her smile.