Yesterday was the day I listen to my heart space, reflect on the last year and look forward to the next. The first question I had to ask and answer is, “Where am I regarding relationships?” The answer was quick and simple. I’m not there yet, mainly because the effort and time it takes to build a new relationship isn’t something I want/have to give right now. I’m not closed off to possibilities, just not actively looking.
“How is the healing process going?” – There are pieces of me that aren’t completely healed from the last year, but I am much better than I was a few months ago. Unfortunately, a new hurt has been added, but I believe in myself and I have a wonderful support system that will help see me through.
“D/s – Kink, when will the activity begin?” – Considering how things were this time last year, it’s a little bit of a struggle. I want..I desire.. to please and be pleased. If the opportunity presents itself, I will follow my heart and see what happens. I’m not opposed, those are just mighty large shoes to fill. It will take a special connection to reach that next level.
“What’s next?” – Fuck if I know. A year and a day worked well for many years. Now, I think is the time to adjust the timeline. For now, I have 4 things I want to accomplish in the next six months. That’s the goal.
As for the rest, I’m going to continue living my life, smiling, dancing and loving my tribe. XoXo
As the end of my commitment to me draws near, I’ve felt the pressure of making decisions coming my way. The weight and stress became overwhelming at times.
Then I realized that I don’t have to decide anything. Yes, I have goals that I want to achieve before then, but it was the decision about relationships that is the most stressful.
The last 60 days have already shown me that many things in life can change. I change. Why am I trying to decide now what I’m going to do then?
As soon as I gave myself permission to let go of expectations that I needed to prepare for my decision, the easier I could breathe.
It made me realize that while I try not to have expectations from others, I was holding myself by a chain. This is something I need to work on, for myself, in the year of me.
Since the decision to begin a new journey, this year and all it entails, is focused on myself. I’m evolving from everything that I’ve known and learned throughout my history while creating a beautiful masterpiece of ME.
At 16, I left home, worked two jobs and took care of myself. At 20, I became a Mom. At 38, my child is beginning to find her own path. Now, I get to rediscover who I am. It’s scary, beautiful, and at times fraught with uncertainty. Especially when I feel like I’m being selfish for stepping away from other’s wants and needs. Part of this new path is learning that just because I’m focused on me, that doesn’t make me selfish.
You’re being honest about reality. And sharing that honesty is anything but selfish.