I thought this year would be hard on me, but while I was not wrong, it’s hardest on my daughter.
Over time, I became used to figuring out what we were going to do. When she was younger, we went to my Aunts’ home with my mom and her family. We had some of her younger years alone and came up with our own traditions. Then I was in a LTR relationship and we went to his mom’s home and had fresh crab with tons of heavy foods and love and laughter. The first year we didn’t have that, we landed at an unknown place with a guy that I had just started dating. That ended up being the best Thanksgiving we had ever had. A bunch of Misfits joining together and having a great time.
Since then, we’ve had this holiday as a family, at various other homes with friends. This year, my child is working Thanksgiving and I’m single. While I’m nostalgic a both the past holidays, I’m doing ok. My girl isn’t. She may be 18, but she’s a young child in many ways. Anxiety, sadness and feelings of abandonment are setting in. Tonight was pretty damn rough.
Then she invited her guy friend over (which I hadn’t met yet), I pulled out Cards Against Humanity and then she smiled.
I love her smile.
In early spring, I faced many changes. I was coming out of a LTR, moving homes, and had just started a new job. All I knew, was that after the stress that lead to those events, I needed something that would make me feel wonderful and powerful as I entered my 38th year.
At that point, I’d been part of my local BDSM community for over two years and although I’ve participated a bit and even explored with my previous relationship, I hadn’t really stepped outside of my controlling box and submitted to anyone, which is what I really crave. I spent quite a few hours asking myself where I was headed in the community and worked through my anxiety about asking for something that I wanted and needed.
Longer story short, I was at a Munch when I casually told the people sitting at my table that I wanted to be flogged for my birthday. That announcement was received by a raised hand. An “I’ll do it for you”, silently spoken, and I accepted.
We wrote each other in between the offer and date, he knew about my anxiety, desire to submit and other things that I won’t post here. I almost cancelled; my brain tried telling me that I shouldn’t give someone power over my body/my mind (even with safe words), that I couldn’t do it anyway – I’d never really submit. Throughout all of that – my body hummed, my fantasies spiked and I wasn’t going to turn away from this wonderful gift. I showed up at the appointed time quite nervous and was immediately soothed and calmed by the Dom that was handling me. The rest of that story is private, but I will tell you that it’s a day I won’t soon forget.
So, that’s how my birth year started. By being true to myself, no holds barred.
What I didn’t know at the time was that the silent offer would also be my introduction to Polyamory.