And so it begins…

Yesterday was the day I listen to my heart space, reflect on the last year and look forward to the next. The first question I had to ask and answer is, “Where am I regarding relationships?” The answer was quick and simple. I’m not there yet, mainly because the effort and time it takes to build a new relationship isn’t something I want/have to give right now. I’m not closed off to possibilities, just not actively looking.

“How is the healing process going?”  – There are pieces of me that aren’t completely healed from the last year, but I am much better than I was a few months ago. Unfortunately, a new hurt has been added, but I believe in myself and I have a wonderful support system that will help see me through.

“D/s – Kink, when will the activity begin?” – Considering how things were this time last year, it’s a little bit of a struggle. I want..I desire.. to please and be pleased. If the opportunity presents itself, I will follow my heart and see what happens. I’m not opposed, those are just mighty large shoes to fill. It will take a special connection to reach that next level.

“What’s next?” – Fuck if I know. A year and a day worked well for many years. Now, I think is the time to adjust the timeline. For now, I have 4 things I want to accomplish in the next six months. That’s the goal.

As for the rest, I’m going to continue living my life, smiling, dancing and loving my tribe. XoXo

 

60 days

As the end of my commitment to me draws near, I’ve felt the pressure of making decisions coming my way. The weight and stress became overwhelming at times.

Then I realized that I don’t have to decide anything. Yes, I have goals that I want to achieve before then, but it was the decision about relationships that is the most stressful.
The last 60 days have already shown me that many things in life can change. I change. Why am I trying to decide now what I’m going to do then?

As soon as I gave myself permission to let go of expectations that I needed to prepare for my decision, the easier I could breathe.

It made me realize that while I try not to have expectations from others, I was holding myself by a chain. This is something I need to work on, for myself, in the year of me.

Female Heartache

Throughout my life, there has been female attraction. The majority of that was women that I had known and loved for many years. They were my best friends, during different milestones of my chaotic world and wonderful things happened, but I rarely reciprocated. Usually, I was the toy and I loved that. 

This year, I found two. Didn’t see that coming during this poly adventure.

The Feels…

One is so young and I admire her very much. She knows exactly what she wants to do in life and is giddy about it! Adorable, smart, sexy, smiley and mischievous hotness. Our first impromptu night, we went to First St. rapids, skinny dipped and had a fabulous make out session under a full moon. It was… Yeah. Awesome. Many dates and flirting later, we danced and tossed each other against the walls while dancing, landed in bed and wrestled.  

One is my Poly Dom’s wife, although I see her as her own entity as well. I love watching her dance around the house. I’m so envious of the energy she has and I miss how I used to jump. Yes, we do struggle at times, but when we both let our walls down… It’s beautiful. The energy is amazing between us when we let it be.  It’s a different attraction. Sensual. Respectful. 

The not so great feels…

One, I knew was leaving within a few months of us meeting. She needs a different college for her classes and also needs to wander away from her home town. After the night we shared, things cratered and I didn’t hear from her much, but we’d hang out on occasion. I wasn’t invited to her going away party and that hurts. Especially when I heard about it through someone else. 

One knows all and the healing process has begun and will continue. We’re both sensitive now, but we’ll work through it because we are friends and that’s what we do. 

Becoming a Plate

I should have known there were other motives than the what I saw on the surface for this date….

I’m certain most of you have heard of the live sushi plates and while I have seen it on T.V., I had never BEEN the plate.

As I laid there naked, every limb was placed just the way he wanted it. One leg bent, to hold the ginger on my knee, while my other leg and arms were placed just so to hold the other morsels of sushi for us to enjoy. Wasabi… right in the belly button*. Oh yeah, that felt incredibly strange… and I loved it.

When everything was placed and instructions were given about not dropping our dinner, the questions began. This is the part that I didn’t see coming. What is the best way to keep someone in place so they can’t run from questions about past emotional traumas?  Make them become a plate.

There were times when I felt the urge to just sit up and be done, I won’t lie. Talking about that shit isn’t easy, but I’ve learned during this year that he always has a purpose for asking and I can’t always see what the answer is. We paused at times so I could breathe and regroup, we ate, and there was the occasional giggle over how it feels to have morsels dipped into my belly button for a touch of Wasabi.

By the end, we learned more about each other. My Poly Dom will rarely ask me things and not share his own experiences. While it made me sad to learn we have more in common than I would have wished, I also know that it makes those wonderful hugs more precious. I didn’t spill our dinner, only a few tears.

 

*For those that care to know, the Wasabi didn’t burn, just tingled a little. Although it was only there for 45min or so, my belly button was still bright red the next day. 🙂

My Time to Shine

My best friend was also my partner for over 2 years. We recently tried dating again, but I’m too focused on what I need for myself to put energy into another relationship. So, he’s asked for a 6 week break from talking, other than emergencies. We’re on day 9. The last week has been rough. I always see something I want to share for a giggle or things will happen that I want to tell him about, but I can’t. I fight the urge to text or talk multiple times, every day. He’s my best friend and I’m learning how to live without him.

During the last week, I’ve had a lot of time to think. I came to the realization that I need to continue the “Year of Me” all the way through until the end. For the first time, I am willingly making a commitment to myself. I have no desire or plan to be in a committed relationship with anyone until after my next birthday in March. That doesn’t mean that I won’t date or that I’m going to change my dynamic with my Poly Dom. What it does mean is that there is zero pressure of looking for a S/O or trying to heal a broken relationship.

Right now, I don’t need or want either of those things. I’m gaining a whole new group of friends that have similar interests. I felt the most freedom to be me last Friday than I’ve felt in a long time. Mainly because I finally stopped judging myself and felt loved by everyone around me. I pranced around that Social in nothing more than a thong, garter belt and fishnets. Not an easy thing to do in front of 20ish people, but I did it and loved every moment. ❤

The Year of Me

Since the decision to begin a new journey, this year and all it entails, is focused on myself. I’m evolving from everything that I’ve known and learned throughout my history while creating a beautiful masterpiece of ME.

At 16, I left home, worked two jobs and took care of myself. At 20, I became a Mom. At 38, my child is beginning to find her own path. Now, I get to rediscover who I am. It’s scary, beautiful, and at times fraught with uncertainty. Especially when I feel like I’m being selfish for stepping away from other’s wants and needs. Part of this new path is learning that just because I’m focused on me, that doesn’t make me selfish.

You’re being honest about reality. And sharing that honesty is anything but selfish.

Polywhat?!

I had fantasized about having more than one lover in my life at a time for years. I believe those began as I read the Meredith Gentry series by Laurel K. Hamilton and again as I dipped into the realm Terre d’Ange with Phèdre nó Delaunay de Montrève in the Kushiel’s series by Jacqueline Carey. (Yes, I have read and own each book in these series.) I wanted, wished and hoped for something of that nature in my life. The desire and freedom to be with whom I wished, as I wished it and still be loved for myself. “Love as thou wilt.”

Throughout my life, I’ve struggled with monogamous relationships. Something just didn’t quite fit for me. Relationships would last for a while, even years in some cases, but they never could fill the gaps of what I needed. At times, I decided that I was just better off on my own than hurting others, in the end loneliness would prevail or the desire to create a traditional family for my growing child. I tried again and again, always with the same result. Now I had options.

One of my favorite quotes from the Kushiels’ books is “All knowledge is worth having.” I would have been doing a disservice to how many times I read them if I didn’t take a deep breath and wander off to explore. And so it began…

As I ventured into more scenes with my new Dom, I started to learn about him and his wife, how he was introduced into poly and various things that they learned along the way. On our first date, we were dancing when I turned around and had an “Ohmygothat’shiswife!” moment. (Keep in mind that I had met her a few times already and she knew about this budding dynamic.) As soon as she smiled at me I felt relief, joy and acceptance… then I saw that she was on a date also!

I began to realize how wonderful this couple was; that they could love each other enough to set each other free and be happy about it. Amazing! Granted, I know it’s not all roses, but the possibility that it CAN actually happen was enlightening. Seeing this, I truly realized that what I desired for so long had been given a name. Polyamory.

I began researching and found a wonderful book called, “More Than Two” by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux. This book is the easiest read that I’ve found in a long time. The information is helpful and it’s well labeled, so if I run into a situation, I can flip somewhere else in the book and gather more information or at least feel balanced again.  They also have a website, if you’re interested.  I also began listening to Polyamory Weekly podcasts which was recommended by a friend. All of this had been swirling around me and I didn’t even know it!

Time continues on and I’m still exploring poly. It’s been about 6 months since I took the plunge. I won’t delve into each relationship and why I chose certain lovers, but I will say that some have lasted longer than others. I’m still dating my Poly Dom and we have grand adventures together. The latest development is that he’s shown me what a slut I truly am. I’ve learned to love that term, and how!