My Time to Shine

My best friend was also my partner for over 2 years. We recently tried dating again, but I’m too focused on what I need for myself to put energy into another relationship. So, he’s asked for a 6 week break from talking, other than emergencies. We’re on day 9. The last week has been rough. I always see something I want to share for a giggle or things will happen that I want to tell him about, but I can’t. I fight the urge to text or talk multiple times, every day. He’s my best friend and I’m learning how to live without him.

During the last week, I’ve had a lot of time to think. I came to the realization that I need to continue the “Year of Me” all the way through until the end. For the first time, I am willingly making a commitment to myself. I have no desire or plan to be in a committed relationship with anyone until after my next birthday in March. That doesn’t mean that I won’t date or that I’m going to change my dynamic with my Poly Dom. What it does mean is that there is zero pressure of looking for a S/O or trying to heal a broken relationship.

Right now, I don’t need or want either of those things. I’m gaining a whole new group of friends that have similar interests. I felt the most freedom to be me last Friday than I’ve felt in a long time. Mainly because I finally stopped judging myself and felt loved by everyone around me. I pranced around that Social in nothing more than a thong, garter belt and fishnets. Not an easy thing to do in front of 20ish people, but I did it and loved every moment. ❤

You’re Smooth, Ridged and Play Me Well

During our first D/s scene, you placed them under my heels and I admit I probably snickered to myself that they wouldn’t do much. And then gravity happened. Those things can be so uncomfortable!

As time went on, you placed them between my hip bones and jeans (ridged side facing skin) for random pressing, to torment me while dancing or just for general fun. They also occasionally ended up over my nipples while dressed for parties.

I didn’t like them much, which you knew and was one reason why you kept using them on me. I began to enjoy them though. I began asking for them and depending on your mood, I received them or I didn’t.

Yesterday I was walking into work, wearing a coat that I hadn’t in quite a while, and what do I feel in my pocket? A single, solitary bottle cap. As soon as that ridged edge cupped my palm, I smiled, took a deep breath and knew that I could make it through this day. I knew, in that moment, bottle caps had become my friend.

It’s still in my pocket and I’m wearing that same coat today. One of my favorite things about that bottle cap is that it says, “Worth Sharing”, and I have to agree. I certainly am and I’m looking forward to when you do.

The Year of Me

Since the decision to begin a new journey, this year and all it entails, is focused on myself. I’m evolving from everything that I’ve known and learned throughout my history while creating a beautiful masterpiece of ME.

At 16, I left home, worked two jobs and took care of myself. At 20, I became a Mom. At 38, my child is beginning to find her own path. Now, I get to rediscover who I am. It’s scary, beautiful, and at times fraught with uncertainty. Especially when I feel like I’m being selfish for stepping away from other’s wants and needs. Part of this new path is learning that just because I’m focused on me, that doesn’t make me selfish.

You’re being honest about reality. And sharing that honesty is anything but selfish.

Polywhat?!

I had fantasized about having more than one lover in my life at a time for years. I believe those began as I read the Meredith Gentry series by Laurel K. Hamilton and again as I dipped into the realm Terre d’Ange with Phèdre nó Delaunay de Montrève in the Kushiel’s series by Jacqueline Carey. (Yes, I have read and own each book in these series.) I wanted, wished and hoped for something of that nature in my life. The desire and freedom to be with whom I wished, as I wished it and still be loved for myself. “Love as thou wilt.”

Throughout my life, I’ve struggled with monogamous relationships. Something just didn’t quite fit for me. Relationships would last for a while, even years in some cases, but they never could fill the gaps of what I needed. At times, I decided that I was just better off on my own than hurting others, in the end loneliness would prevail or the desire to create a traditional family for my growing child. I tried again and again, always with the same result. Now I had options.

One of my favorite quotes from the Kushiels’ books is “All knowledge is worth having.” I would have been doing a disservice to how many times I read them if I didn’t take a deep breath and wander off to explore. And so it began…

As I ventured into more scenes with my new Dom, I started to learn about him and his wife, how he was introduced into poly and various things that they learned along the way. On our first date, we were dancing when I turned around and had an “Ohmygothat’shiswife!” moment. (Keep in mind that I had met her a few times already and she knew about this budding dynamic.) As soon as she smiled at me I felt relief, joy and acceptance… then I saw that she was on a date also!

I began to realize how wonderful this couple was; that they could love each other enough to set each other free and be happy about it. Amazing! Granted, I know it’s not all roses, but the possibility that it CAN actually happen was enlightening. Seeing this, I truly realized that what I desired for so long had been given a name. Polyamory.

I began researching and found a wonderful book called, “More Than Two” by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux. This book is the easiest read that I’ve found in a long time. The information is helpful and it’s well labeled, so if I run into a situation, I can flip somewhere else in the book and gather more information or at least feel balanced again.  They also have a website, if you’re interested.  I also began listening to Polyamory Weekly podcasts which was recommended by a friend. All of this had been swirling around me and I didn’t even know it!

Time continues on and I’m still exploring poly. It’s been about 6 months since I took the plunge. I won’t delve into each relationship and why I chose certain lovers, but I will say that some have lasted longer than others. I’m still dating my Poly Dom and we have grand adventures together. The latest development is that he’s shown me what a slut I truly am. I’ve learned to love that term, and how!

And so it began….

In early spring, I faced many changes. I was coming out of a LTR, moving homes, and had just started a new job. All I knew, was that after the stress that lead  to those events, I needed something that would make me feel wonderful and powerful as I entered my 38th year.

At that point, I’d been part of my local BDSM community for over two years and although I’ve participated a bit and even explored with my previous relationship, I hadn’t really stepped outside of my controlling box and submitted to anyone, which is what I really crave. I spent quite a few hours asking myself where I was headed in the community and worked through my anxiety about asking for something that I wanted and needed.

Longer story short, I was at a Munch when I casually told the people sitting at my table that I wanted to be flogged for my birthday. That announcement was received by a raised hand. An “I’ll do it for you”, silently spoken, and I accepted.

We wrote each other in between the offer and date, he knew about my anxiety, desire to submit and other things that I won’t post here. I almost cancelled; my brain tried telling me that I shouldn’t give someone power over my body/my mind (even with safe words), that I couldn’t do it anyway – I’d never really submit. Throughout all of that – my body hummed, my fantasies spiked and I wasn’t going to turn away from this wonderful gift. I showed up at the appointed time quite nervous and was immediately soothed and calmed by the Dom that was handling me. The rest of that story is private, but I will tell you that it’s a day I won’t soon forget.

So, that’s how my birth year started. By being true to myself, no holds barred.

What I didn’t know at the time was that the silent offer would also be my introduction to Polyamory.